My lovely Dad

I am worried about my Dad, but I am only able to "talk" about it in this blog that is really a virtual journal that no one finds laying around the house. Only you, Rachael know about this.

I think my Dad is dying. Seriously. I know he went to the doctor a year or so ago (maybe a bit longer), because he was super sick and couldn't breathe well. My Dad, who has always said smoking is fine, he's never going to quit, actually quit for awhile. Something the doctor said scared him enough that he tried quitting. It didn't last though. As I go through the photos from even when Maddie was a few years younger, my dad has aged at least 10 years in a just a short 3 years. I went to my parents house yesterday to visit after Briannas birthday, and my Dad was "not feeling well". He was doing the whole out of breath talking when we were there. I can't talk to anyone about this, because even though i'm sure they are all thinking the same thing I am, if we voice it, it will become real. No more pretending all is well.

I know my Dad had told Missy before that if he were dying, he wouldn't tell anyone because he didn't want them sad, or being sad around him. He felt it was the nicer thing to do for everyone involved. Even though he said he'd be pretty upset if WE were dying, and didn't tell him. Go figure.

And so I wonder- how much longer do we have? Do we get this Christmas? Next? How many years? Months? AAAgggghhh!

And now I find out that Dad is worried his company may let him go. The new manager is laying off a ton of the old people, and bringing in new. My dad drives the truck. How hard would it be to get some other young punk to drive (or two part timers), pay them less and then offer no benefits? What will my Dad do? My Mom? I wish I could make it all better, but I can't. I wish I could just confront Dad, but I can't. I can't even think about it without crying, so I try to never think about it. Ever. It just sneaks in every once in awhile. What would I do without my Daddy? What will my kids do without their favorite Papa? I Hate this.

So if you do read this Rach, please don't say anything. I just needed to vent my thoughts somewhere, and I hate crying in front of people. :/


*To clarify- I did not mean don't say anything to me or what not. That just sounded rude. I just meant please don't say anything to my family about this. Don't think they would appreciate that i wrote this.