I realize no one *really* knows about this blog, so no one reads this, but if they do....well that is just fine too. It's so far just to help me vent, or get out some feelings that I don't normally let out to other actual people. I'm just that way. So here it goes.
I have wanted to move for a few years now. We had even put our house on the market two years ago, and had a few offers that we turned down for being well below asking price. But we never got to go through the process of actually selling, so it doesn't count right?
Well, here we are, just 16 short days from needing to be out of our house, and all that has been done to prepare is the initial de-cluttering I did for showing the house. Pictures are still up, daycare stuff is still out, all of our normal day-to-day stuffs are still here. As well as some stuff we may use once a year, but I'm too afraid to put it away "just in case". This is also my last week of doing childcare, but it seems like any other week. I can't seem to grasp the idea that I am moving away from my home in such a short amount of time. When I do actually stop to think about it, I honestly want to cry my heart out, but I can't because I constantly have kids around, or Terry, and I do NOT want to cry about it to him. I know he would understand, but he would also feel bad, since I hardly ever let the water works out. :)
I want a bigger house to do my daycare in, but I love my little house. I met Terry while he was in this house, and had both of my kids here. This house holds all of my most precious memories of my life with *MY* little family. We took this from being a guys house with bare bones and white walls, to our cozy family home. I'm seriously going to miss Brandons blue room that I was constantly going to re-paint and make it a brighter room. That was his nursery color to go along with his "planes, trains and automobiles" theme when he was born. Maddies awesome yellow room that was the perfect shade of yellow, with her flowers and butterfies theme. And I am going to miss my room that I have with the perfect guy. (Which I had to go through some that weren't so great, but somehow found Terry when I thought no one would come my way.) I'm going to miss our room where Brandon used to come in with his smile and wake me up. We spend some mornings in our bed hanging out as a family together for a little while. I'm going to miss my incredibly tiny kitchen. Something is to be said for these small kitchens; everything you need is always within easy reach. :)
I know that when we have our new home, and our stuff is moved in, I will LOVE it! I know we will create a TON of new and awesome memories there as well. But we aren't there yet. In fact, we have only an offer on a house that we don't even know if the bank is going to accept it or not. Yep. It's a short sale. The ones you hear horror stories about. Where you can wait half a year without any word from the bank, then bam! You either got accepted or not. So we are in limbo. We have to be out in 16 days from our home, but we don't have another home to move to yet. What to do? Live in our toy hauler trailer, of course! Where? Well, we though we had an RV park picked out. Turns out summer time comes and you then have a waiting list. Grrr... Not that my dream was to be in an RV park, but it has hookups for continuous water, waste removal etc. And most importantly NO TREES! I have a horrid fear of spiders so the lack of trees by my trailer means less of those nasty little intruders. We got in too late, so now we are on a waiting list that they said looked like mid-july as the earliest for an opening. Lovely. So now we get to stay at my Mom and Dads house. In the trailer. Right next to the biggest spider loving tree ever! Don't get me wrong.....I was planning on spending lots of time there anyways so the kids had a yard to play in, etc. But now we have to conserve water, hook up to their house for electricity and take (at least) weekly trips to dump the waste and re-fill with water. I'm thankful we have the trailer, and I am extremely greatful for my awesome family who has already offered to help in any way they can. My family rocks. Plain and simple. :)
So I feel sad about leaving our home, living in my parents yard till a spot opens up in the RV park, and not knowing if we even get to have a house in the near future. The offer says no sooner than the 8th, and the family seems willing to work with the banks and us, so that is good. But I keep clinging to the close date of Aug 8th. Because I have to. So I don't cry, which in turn makes Terry feel awful for making me cry by not having everything all nifty for our family. I know this seems petty and silly, and quite frankly a bit self centered but I have never had to leave a "home" before, and it's actually quite difficult. I mean, I left my home when I was done with high school, but my parents still live there, so I can go back whenever I want. It was a sad time, but also exciting and new. I can't come back here. I don't want to see what they do to 'my' home.
I'm also super weird when it comes to my kids. I am STRESSING over the fact that my 6 year old son is not happy about moving. He has this misconception that we will not see our friends anymore. He is worried about me not working anymore, and not having any money. He even thought Terry would be jobless and broke so we wouldn't have any money for the new house. He's worried/scared/sad about the possible school change.
I am not looking forward to seeing the kids faces when we pack even more, and move their bedrooms out. I know Maddie wont understand it either, and I hope she doesn't get too upset about it. Basically I don't want my kids to feel misplaced or upset about ANYTHING. I would feel like a complete failure as a mom, even though my head will know differently. I don't want to be a failure as a girlfriend either. I've been depressed, and I need to perk back up, and make this into an exciting adventure! It's all in the attitude, right? Maybe one day I will get in my breakdown, then everything will be good to go. lol. So now that I wrote a book (and not exactly very well either) I suppose I will stop. At least for now. I'm sure I will be back on soon. :)
